This is an odd question, but a question for you: are there people out there like me who have difficulty crying, as in shedding tears in public, or who hold their grief within themselves and find it really, really, really hard to literally cry? You know how other people cry, and they wail, and the tears are just so readily available? Are there people who cannot do that? Or who struggle to do that?
I'm asking about this because I feel like I'm one of those people who really, really, really struggles to cry. Sometimes things happen that demand tears to really be flowing, so that you can wash away whatever grief it is that you're holding on to, whatever emotion that you're holding on to, but I find that I struggle to shed tears. I could sit down with the pain and cry inside myself, or maybe shed a little tear, or my eyes would mist up. But to literally just cry, and especially in front of people, that rarely happens.
This really hit me after my dad died, because I was thinking, Caroline, you should be crying, you should be bawling. You should be torn apart, which I truly was, but I just could not cry. So I was thinking, maybe you're in shock, girl. Maybe you're in shock and these tears are gonna come at some point. And people would say, "Oh Caroline, maybe you just grieve differently." And I was thinking, maybe that is true.
But then I remembered: the moments that I used to cry, the moments that I really, really ever, ever broke down, were during healing retreats that I attended in my early days of spiritual awakening, and in the days that I used to practice as a Reiki healer and an energy healer in the 13th La Ho Chi Octave healing modalities. In the days I used to work with energies, and the days I used to attend all these retreats where there was a lot of breathwork and just interesting things happening with groups of people, or healers who had come to facilitate some kind of thing.
The way it used to happen was in the most embarrassing way for me. The way my breakdowns used to happen was in the most oh-my-God type of way ever. Nobody wants that for themselves. But it was the most healing thing. Let me tell you: I would sit in those groups sometimes and I wasn't expecting anything. And the healing that was coming through usually was not for me, it was for someone else in the group. And whenever someone would start crying in the group, Caroline would join in.
Like suddenly, someone else is crying, they are receiving their own energy healing. Here I was, I thought I had nothing to do with whatever was happening. But then the person would cry, and then I would cry like a choir. The person would cry, make a sound, and then I would make a sound. It was just something that I wasn't planning to do. It would just come. The person would make this sound and howl over there, and then I would start howling. The person is howling, I'm howling. The person is howling, I'm howling. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, Caroline, what are you doing? And then I would start crying real tears, and then I would break down.
So that person is down on the floor getting their energy healing. I'm basically not supposed to be having anything to do with that. But now here we are, two of us. The person is crying and I'm crying. Everyone's looking at us. The facilitators would come, and they would tend to me and whatnot. But I would cry and cry and cry. Those guttural cries would come from just being held within my body. I would shake, and I was just like, oh my God. First of all, there was embarrassment involved, but then I just could not stop it. It would just come from within me, the pain, the everything.
These types of crying things, these healing sessions, were not things that I was consciously seeking out for myself, but my spirit would force me into those spaces. Then through someone else, something would just hit me, and then I would break down and I would cry for all the years that I never cried.
This type of grief release never happened just once. Man, it has happened like three times, until I stopped going for those kinds of things. Because I know usually when I go to those kinds of events, the way the energy moves there is just something that brings out grief from within me. Even if I think it has nothing to do with me and it's someone else's healing, somehow I get caught up in someone else's thing. And when someone starts crying, then Caroline joins in the choir. That's just how it happens. So I try to avoid these things.
But there's always been so much relief. Usually when I'm crying, when I can hear myself, the things I'm saying, or what people tell me: I'm crying for my family. I'm crying for my brother. I'm crying for my parents. I'm just crying for my lineage. I don't even know what this thing is, man. I cry and cry and cry for all the things that have been happening in my family.
So that's what has been happening. So do you struggle to cry? Or what really prompts that energy to move out of you? There are a lot of reasons. I know a lot of reasons. I know how energy moves. But just for conversation's sake, and to leave out the technicalities of why things happen, because these days it's just so complicated to explain why things happen. We've talked about them ad nauseam. There are so many reasons why energy moves, and there are so many ways in which energy moves.
At some point, I think these days it has just got to the point where we just have to share our experiences, without necessarily going into the technical things about why things are the way they are, or why things happen the way they happen. We have videos out there that explain some of these things. But now, on a heart-to-heart basis: what is the thing that stops grief? Is it easy for you to grieve? How do you grieve? How do you cry? Why? Let me know in the comments section. And until next time, guys, I love you, and we are loved. Bye.